SPAIN IN REVIEW: Digest #4

_unedited spain

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God. My lack of self-discipline, the absence of spiritual community abroad/at home, the loneliness, and the misery all led me to stray further and further away from the I AM.

I travelled out each weekend to run away, keeping me from church (I went once). Each day was laden with its own busyness; I probably QT-ed a total of four times while in Spain. I think I opened my Bible twice. I stopped praying before meals, yeah it got pretty bad. Felt empty and missing something huge in my life, but did nothing about it. Kind of had a "why bother", indifferent attitude.

I also felt like a poser. I signed off e-mails the Christianese way because I should, not because I fully believed in them. I shirked away from the opportunities God handed me on a silver platter to share the news of victory and great joy because I could not be genuine. I barely lived the News out in my own life. Perhaps I feared them seeing how fake I really was. I would tell people I would pray for them but would not, since my own prayer-life was nonexistent (that I will have to answer to God about; sorry, friends :[). So I stopped telling people I would pray for them altogether. I said nothing. Sharing my testimony was like recounting memorized facts about somebody else - it was the most bizarre thing. People asked me if I was Christian; I was not sure how to answer. I had no heart, no passion... what had I become?

I grew cold, numb, and deaf to the familiar sound of His Spirit and could not quote anything from the Bible when I tried. In my two attempts to read the Word, I became bored and uninterested in a snap. Reading theology books was a dreadful chore.

I was not single-minded anymore. I think the most shameful and shocking comment came from an international student friend who exclaimed, "You're CHRISTIAN!?! Whoa, I couldn't tell." First I was ashamed and stunned, and then I didn't care. I gave up on myself.

Home for CHRISTmas, I looked back on earlier Xanga entries where I was so fervently in love with Jesus, I could not believe it. I faintly remembered maturing only up and up and up since being saved 3 years ago. Was that me?

So here I stand. The furthest from God I have ever been in my Christian walk, but no longer complacent with the way things are.

I pray that these would be true in my life in Jesus' Name.

...

alive in this moment
starfield

v1:
it's been so long since i have met You here
since i have said these words or cried these tears
and like a child would come, i run into our secret place
and as the music fades, the tears are rolling down my face

chorus:
i am alive in this moment
in this moment i am found
i am alive in this moment
in this moment i belong

v2:
it's been so long since i have met You here
since i have heard You speak and let You near
and like a wayward son, i've come with nothing left to hide
here in this moment, i have come to offer up my life

chorus

v3:
here only one fire burns, it burns
here only one melody is heard
once again for the very first time
my eyes are opening

chorus

...

[[psalm 61:1-4]]

   hear my cry, o God;
         give heed to my prayer.
    from the end of the earth i call to You when my heart is faint;

         lead me to the rock that is higher than i.

   for You have been a refuge for me,
         a tower of strength against the enemy.
    let me dwell in Your tent forever;
        let me take refuge in the shelter of Your wings.

SPAIN IN REVIEW: Digest #3

_unedited spain

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Communication. Lack of Internet and the time change (+9 hours) left me feeling [exaggeratedly] alone.

The Spanish did not seem to want to have contact with me, and going out until 6am with the international students on weeknights did not appeal to me.

Miserably homesick, I wrote home whenever I could; though responses were few and rare (to which I sincerely understand), I still wrote.

... but to tell you the truth, although I genuinely understood how busy/hectic life gets, I felt pretty forgotten by all things familiar.

I escaped to another part of or out of the country each weekend so I wouldn't have to think of how friendless (how pitiful was I. but please don't be mistaken - I met some amazing people who made for some amazing acquaintances... with the exception of Dora, thank God for Dora) and disconnected (from home) I was. And so I wouldn't have to think of how and why my dream of studying abroad could become such a cliched nightmare so fast.

Subsequently, your PS reallyhurt:

I'm hoping we can talk more on the phone next semester, especially since I still have that phone card left over.  Maybe over break we can catch up with each other... I feel like we've grown apart.  Maybe we can write more on the xanga?  To be honest, in spite of all the things I wanted to tell you about this semester, I felt really unmotivated because I figured if you didn't have time to talk, you didn't have time to read!

Of COURSE I had time to talk, read, and write!!! :[ I craved your company, I yearned for human contact. Circumstances just would not permit... do you see now?

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This is becoming increasingly more difficult to write.

SPAIN IN REVIEW: Digest #2

_unedited spain

... along with my first semester abroad being one of the most exciting and busy terms yet, it was also one of the loneliest [I almost cried telling you this, Shannon, boo], unhappiest, and most trying.

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My host family. They were nice and helpful until we discovered they considered us to be more like tenants.

They fed us leftovers (or canned food) and would tell us so. They ate separate, name-brand products - Dora said she would see them frantically put away their food when they saw her coming toward the kitchen. 

They were also supposed to make us sack lunches if we were away for the weekend, and they would make us like ONE or TWO sandwiches (two pieces of white bread, one piece of bologna, no lettuce/mayonnaise). If they remembered, that is.

They would also get mad at us and not talk to us for the rest of the night if we didn't like their food. And let me tell you that Dora and I were totally tolerant; we choked down food that we were gagging up many times. We RARELY refused food.

And we would always find hair in our food!! Dora said that at home, if she finds hair, she throws away the whole meal.

I also felt that they instituted unreasonable rules, such as making absolutely NO noise after the host mom went to sleep.

I would never recommend homestay and never do it again. Others had similar or worse experiences (while others had better, but that was rare). Dulce's host mom told her and her roommate that she hates Mexicans and South Americans the first day she met them (both Mexican), and fed them canned rice/restaurant leftovers. 

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The Madrid-ians. The Madrid people are some rude, cold, and ignorant people. No one says sorry when they bump into you and those in the service sector quickly grow impatient/frustrated if you cannot understand or speak Spanish fluently.

From the moment I arrived in Madrid to my departure, I felt entirely unwelcome in their country.

In the Metro and on the street, people (esp. the older people) would stare at me in disgust. I remember in my first week, this old man made me feel so unwanted that I crossed the street to avoid his glare. When I reached the end of the street, I looked back and he was still staring at me disgustedly, shaking his head.

The "Madrid stare" is unlike any other: it is literally a stare, not a glance. They last for five minutes on average and are shameless. Even when you stare back at them, they do not flinch.

Even then, I still maintain that South Americans and Mexicans had it the worst. The Spanish look down on them as an inferior people and constantly made comments like the "dark-skinned people" are always the ones to pickpocket and such. My Mexican friend even got arrested by the Immigration Police, along with 17 other "dark-skinned" looking people one afternoon.

Notwithstanding, everything is "Well here in Spain, we do it this way. Well here in Spain, it is exquisite. Well here in Spain, we produce the best..."  

The Spaniards also keep to themselves, so us international students made zero Spanish friends. There were no clubs/organizations on campus, so it was impossible to meet anyone. So sad and bad. :[

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